Apparently, People in the Navy Drink Alcohol

Science: once again confirming through exhaustive research what everyone already knew to be true.

The nature of the U.S. Navy workplace leads to higher heavy drinking for sailors than for civilians, U.S. researchers said.

US Navy Culture Linked to Drinking

Now, someone should do a study to see whether the spouses of Navy service members are also susceptible. I have a theory...

(Via Snarky Navy Wife.)

Modern Men

This website's founders gathered early this week for a strategy session that involved, mostly, drinking good beer (some homebrew, some Bells, some Arrogant Bastard, some Dogfishhead), and watching, mesmerized, as their toddlers worked out how to share their snacks.

Many good ideas were hatched. Keep one eye on this website at all times for additional information.

Anyway, at one point during the three-day event, they conducted a walking meeting through John's neighborhood, pushing their respective toddlers in their respective strollers, and, during this meeting, as they strolled down a street with a dog park on one side and very nice old houses on the other, a gentleman of late middle age called out to them.

"The modern man!" he said with a grin.

This observation filled at least one of our founders with a strange sense of pride, as though we military husbands are pioneers, of some sort (which, I suppose we are).

I'm tempted to end this post with some kind of Dead Poets' Society flourish about all of us being "modern men" married to "modern women," but that seems sort of obvious, doesn't it? And sort of cheesy?

But we are on the vanguard of a social shift. And I'm glad at least one person out there views the shift as something to run toward, headlong, rather than something to flinch away from or resist.

It's moving season

For the first time since Theo really started socializing, we're running into one of the classic issues for military families: Our friends two doors down, whose three younger kids are Theo's daily playmates, have sold their house and will PCS this weekend.

Theo just turned two, so the idea that as of Saturday afternoon he won't be able to run up the street and have other kids come pouring out to play is probably completely beyond him. The older kids have told him how sad they are that they're leaving, and he just looks at them with the same smile he gives them all the time and goes back to riding a trike or scribbling in chalk on the sidewalk.

Even though I know that he's two, so in a month he probably won't remember these kids he's so attached to today, I'm far more anxious for his impending loss than I've been for any of our moves. Every time he runs up to the little girl who is closest to his age and gives her his trademark bear-hug-bordering-on-a-tackle, I ache for him a little.

And O.K., I'll be honest -- as accustomed as I am to the reality of military comings and goings, I'm sad for myself as well. I don't know if I'll get along with the new neighbors as well as I have with the departing ones and we're already pretty sure the new kids won't be around during the day. When Theo's making my day rough, having playmates just steps away can be crucial for maintaining sanity.

As luck has it, there will be plenty of distractions for the week following their departure, and this is an especially good thing for both him and me.

Imagining this through his eyes is a reminder of just how skilled my wife and I have become at adjusting to the mobility of military life. We know that the Navy is smaller than it seems and that as time goes on, old friends will be new friends as we live around the same people again and again. We've learned that one place is very like another; the priority our civilian friends place on settling down and finding THE perfect house where they can nest until their kids leave home seems like a misplaced obsession.

I guess now is as good a time as any for him to start learning these lessons that we've already absorbed so completely. We'll have friends in town and then a long weekend in D.C., so hopefully by the time we return the new owners and their kids will be moved in and they'll be ready to have a toddler chasing them down the street.

Sound familiar?

First, to introduce myself: I'm John, I'm the husband of a Navy officer and stay-at-home dad to a two-year-old boy. I'm looking forward to meeting other husbands and partners of military members and building a community.

Unfortunately, a couple weeks of family drama and a crisis of confidence have left me without something to post. So I'm going to kick off with a recent cross-post from my personal blog. Welcome, I look forward to hearing from everyone!

Gender stereotypes, two for one today only

Do I just not leave the house enough?

Monday morning, couple weeks ago now, I still had the rental car I'd used to drive Theo and I to Pennsylvania for the weekend, so I decided to take advantage and run to the commissary.

It was one of those perfect grocery trips. No crowds, lots of other kids for Theo to interact with and he actually walked with me and listened to me when I told him not to pick up glass jars from the bottom shelf.

Our bagger had a great time talking with Theo on the way to the car, but then came the question that every stay-at-home dad gets at some point: "...and Where is your Mommy?" The way she asked, her meaning seemed clear ... but I don't assume anything, and I'm polite even when other people aren't, so I gave the honest answer: "She's at work on the big ship, right Theo? We'll see her this afternoon. (Deep breath)"

"OH!" ... and then silence. I've heard this dozens of times -- The sudden realization that I am the stay-at-home spouse of a female sailor, followed by a fruitless attempt to find the right cliche or canned comment to make about our situation.

I'd forgotten about it by the time the car rental rep was driving us home. We were talking about our trip and I mentioned that we were both ready to be out of the car, after spending so much time together there over the weekend. She told me, "Well, you'll be really happy for that Daddy bonding time later ..." I didn't think anything of it, I just told her, "Oh yeah, we spend all day together, I stay home with him."

"OH!" ... and then silence.

I never let this bug me before I had kids. There's so few of us civilian male spouses, we just never make it onto most people's radars, so why would they have anything to say?

I try very hard not to feel slighted and I'm not playing the victim card here. After all, we're outside the norm and I just get an occasional silly question; my wife and other military women have had to deal with far worse stereotyping. And this isn't something that's unique to the military, I'm sure most stay-at-home-dads hear it from time to time.

Still, why would anyone still believe the underlying assumptions? They're either saying that Mommy SHOULD be at home, or else they're assuming Daddy wouldn't spend his days buying groceries, changing diapers and making dinner.

I guess I should be happy to be out there breaking down stereotypes, making it clear to the folks with preconceived notions that I'm happy my wife is in a career she loves and what's more I ENJOY spending all day with Theo and being the support system for a talented and driven Naval officer. I'm basically a 230 lb. kid, why wouldn't I love it?

Still -- not to beat a dead horse, since friends and I have been over and over the Mr. Mom thing -- I don't think I need to be happy about having my role minimized, as if somehow a man is missing the skills to be a good full-time parent and housekeeper.

In the end, my wife and I aren't out to make any grand feminist statements and we certainly never planned our lives to intentionally undermine traditional gender roles. We just feel lucky that we live during a time when each of us can have the job that suits our skills and temperaments. It's a wonderful feeling to know that even if I get a few weird questions and funny looks, no one thinks twice anymore about a woman in my wife's position.

Two New Ways to Get to Our Site

Now you can get to Military Husbands by visiting milhusbands.com and milhusbands.org.

We're feeling so much more official, now.